By Tim Binnall
In yet another sad case of Bigfoot banditry, some sticky-fingered ne'er-do-wells swiped a sizeable Sasquatch lawn ornament from outside of a home in Michigan and the hunt for the miscreants has reached all the way to the state police. According to a local media report, the seven-foot-tall sheet metal depiction of the iconic cryptid was stolen on March 22nd from Mike and Donna Kinne's yard in the community of Park Township. The caper was particularly curious to the couple as, by virtue of its size and construction, procuring the lawn ornament undoubtedly proved to be a rather onerous challenge for the individuals behind the Bigfoot heist.
Explaining that the thieves likely needed a truck to transport the stolen Sasquatch as well as bolt cutters to get through the heavy chain that had secured the lawn ornament, Mike also noted that "I've never handled him without having my leather gloves on because he's very sharp." As such, Donna observed that the Bigfoot bandits "had to want him bad," since they somehow managed to make off with the piece unnoticed. Like so many other instances of Sasquatch artwork taken from homes and businesses around the country, the Kinne's loss initially seemed to be a matter for local authorities. However, the case took a rather surprising turn on Thursday when the Michigan State Police announced an investigation into the brazen Bigfoot banditry.
In an official bulletin issued by the department, they described the pilfered piece as being "a rusty brown color with various sharp edges to detail the fur of the Sasquatch" and advised local residents to be on the lookout for out-of-place "white panel van with dark driver and passenger side windows" that was spotted in the area at the time of the heist. Suggesting that the vehicle could very well be the proverbial getaway car of the Bigfoot bandits, they indicated that it had actually been seen turning around in the Kinne's driveway around the time of the caper, quite possibly with the stolen piece already in tow.
As for who could have been behind the theft, the Kinnes were at a loss for potential suspects, because the Bigfoot had become something of a neighborhood fixture with residents decorating the piece for the holidays. With that in mind, Donna mused that "I'm hoping there's been some 18-year-old naughty boy that's been eyeballing Sasquatch for a while, because somebody had to come prepared." Should that be the case, the hypothetical youngster behind the heist now finds themselves with a Bigfoot-sized problem on their hands as the whole community, including the state police, are looking for the stolen piece.